Sunday, March 23, 2008

Up ...and down again.

L is sick...again. DH put it best when he asked, while cleaning up vomit and diarrhea for the umpteenth time this week, "Who the hell did we piss off?!"

L caught, we thought, the stomach flu a week ago Thursday. That's right, folks. Ten wonderful days of blow-out diapers, vomit-covered bedding. She perked up mid-week and we thought the worst was over, but nope. She's still at it.

And it's not like she's the only one who caught it. K threw up for 4 hours. DH and I had the "howlin' skitters" for 4 days. (Gosh, I love that term. A dear friend Jen introduced me to THAT one.) But only L gets to have it go on and on and on....

Today we thought she was REALLY better. She was even playing this afternoon and evening. She was asking for food for supper, so we gave her some cheese and crackers and bananas, as she asked. Not long ago, she started crying in her sleep and then threw up in her mouth. I expect I'll be woken up mid-night tonight again with her cries, dreading opening the door, wondering what nastiness is behind door number 2.

I know how I feel. I feel hopeless, angry, frustrated, guilty, worried, anxious, exhausted, tired. And I'm just on THIS side of all this crap she's had to deal with. How she must feel! And to top it all off, she can't communicate enough to tell us how she IS feeling.

So what am I complaining about, eh?

Monday, March 17, 2008

So Proud!

I did it. I ran 2 miles in the St Patrick's Day race in Manhappiness, KS. Six months ago I couldn't hardly walk across my house, and now I'm running 2 miles. I can't say YAYA!!!! enough. I'm that happy.

My time? For you "real" runners it may not seem like a big deal, but to me, it's fantastic. 17.37, when I was hoping for under 20 minutes.

Icing on the cake? 3rd place for my age bracket. Something like 117 overall. Is that a sign that I'm not too slow, or that I'm getting old and the competition is getting thinner?

REAL icing on the cake? K was so excited watching me race this year that she asked if she could run next year. Now that's the REAL reason why I did this. I want my girls to see how to be healthy adults and inspire them to try it. Apparently, its working.

Only downside? I'm really really sore...from the dancing we did to celebrate Saturday night. teehee I may be old but I can still dance!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Feeling better...

It's amazing what a little time and some great friends can do to make things feel better. :) I'll skip the whole struggle-as-a-parent conversation for a sec and return to that Great Exchange of 2008 topic.

It had its benefits, but not what I expected. I don't think DH yet appreciates all I do, and I decided I like doing what he does. I enjoyed taking care of the animals and doing what feels to be more constructive work. For example, I rearranged stuff in the basement and it's still nicely rearranged. In my normal duties, I wash all the clothes and fold them and put away, yet by days end it needs to be done again. That's the frustrating part.

DH did realize how hard the mornings are and has been doing more of his share in that regard. And THAT almost made it worth it.

The best benefit is that I realized I like doing my responsibilities. Love it, in fact. I was lost without my week's menu and cooking, and tried to find an excuse to go to the grocery store. I like the time spent with L in the cart and me acting like the crazy woman on those commercials, seemingly talking to herself but actually talking to her child. I desperately missed bathtime and bedtime and all the great conversations and book time and fashion advice and all that. I even missed the morning routine, getting to brush their hair and the psychotic adrenaline rush from hurrying everyone along in the morning. I felt like I ignored my kids, trying to play DH's role. And the kids noticed it too; my oldest K asked if we would PLEASE switch back because she missed me. So we did. Switch back, that is.

So, now, instead of brooding when I'm getting all three girls cleaned up and in bed, I enjoy it and think of poor DH, stuck in the basement with his plants. I still hate laundry and always will, but the rest of the stuff, I'm enjoying more.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

It just gets harder

This parenting thing is not getting any easier. Today, for example....

I took my youngest, L, to a local child check, where they gauge the abilities of kids under 5 and see if they are developmentally where they need to be. Now, I know she's not at the top. In fact, I had a pretty darn good guess that she had fallen behind developmentally. And, I was pretty cocky that it was all because of fluid behind her ears, what with a flat tympanogram a few weeks back and reoccuring ear infections since the first of December. But I was only partially right. She is behind, in gross motor and speech development. But her ears are fine. She passed the tympanogram and the hearing test. Her delays cannot be blamed on her ears. She's not tripping because she doesn't have balance. She's not not speaking because she can't hear. She's fine; she just doesn't remember how to do those things correctly. So, I guess there is some permanent damage from the seizures et al. Ouch. It's just kinda hard to swallow, that my child isn't perfect, that she's going to have a hard road ahead. I'm still confidant she'll catch up, that a little help now will even the scale. And infant toddler services are going to come to our house, do a formal evaluation, see what services she needs. She's not perfect. And that's hard to swallow.

Then, we have Numero Dos, aka M. She's 4.5 years old and tonight spelled a-d-o-r-a-b-l-e without reading it anywhere. She, in fact, was correcting a 5-year-old's technique of reading the letters instead of reading the word. She is blowing us out of our shoes. How did my girl learn to read, all by herself (or with very very minimal assistance from us)?!? How is she picking up words and letters and math facts and science facts and historical tidbits as fast as a swiffer duster picks up the crap on my TV screen?! And what are we going to do about it, seeing as how she's the one of my girls who doesn't like to follow the rules, who will always push it as far as she can. If she's bored, she's in trouble.

And for the whipped cream on top of this insane sundae, we have my oldest daughter. She is smart, near the top of her class, kind ... kinder than any child I have ever known... and beautiful. She's a perfectionist, a dancer, an artististic little booger, and always wants to please others. She's harder on herself than anyone else will ever be. And it's hurting her so badly every time her little sister, a whole 2 years younger than her, knows something she doesn't. It kills her every time someone gasps as M reads a new word. So HOW am I supposed to give the attention deserving to M while preserving K's emotional state and keeping my third eye on L, wondering what's all going on in her brain?

I am at a loss. I'm sad. I'm excited. I'm worried. And they are not even 7 yet.