Oh, okay, fine. I am going to deliver SOME time in the next 7 weeks. And maybe, with all these contractions, I should pack a bag. Just for kicks, I looked on a site to see what they recommend I pack. And here's why they are wrong:
-Nightgown or shirt to wear during labor. NO. USE THE HOSPITAL'S GOWNS. YOU'RE GOING TO BE LEAKING ALL SORTS OF GROSS STUFF. DON'T RUIN YOUR OWN.
-Robe or bed jacket. DITTO ABOVE.
-Socks. OKAY, YES. BUT MAKE SURE THEY AREN'T NICE ONES. AGAIN, LEAKAGE.
-Slippers. SOCKS WILL SUFFICE.
-Nightgown and/or pajamas (if breastfeeding, then bring ones made for nursing). THE LEAKAGE DOESN'T STOP WHEN THE BABY IS DELIVERED. LEAK ON THEIR STUFF.
-2 - 4 bras. YES. AND MAKE THEM BIG 'UNS.
-3 - 6 pairs of underpants. YES. AND MAKE THEM OLD ONES.
-Toiletries (toothbrush/toothpaste, soap, shampoo/conditioner, deodorant, lotion, comb/brush, lip balm/chap stick). OKAY, YES.
-Elastic/Scrunchie or hair clip to pull hair back during labor. ABSOLUTELY YES.
-A photo or object to be used as a focal point during labor. I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THIS ONE. MY FOCAL POINT IS USUALLY MY CLOSED EYE LIDS. HMMM, MAYBE THAT'S WHY I'VE HAD 4 EPIDURALS.
-Going home outfit. YES. AND BIG AND STRETCHY.
And now's the part that really made me laugh.
-Lollipops or hard candy to keep your mouth moist during labor. JUST USE ICE. ANYTHING ELSE WILL TASTE TOO ICKY SWEET AND WILL BE GROSS WHEN YOU VOMIT DURING TRANSITION.
-An activity (such as pre-addressing birth announcements or crossword puzzles) or a book to keep busy during early labor. DUDE. IF YOU CAN READ AND DO CROSSWORDS, GO HOME AND WAIT FOR REAL LABOR.
-Your baby book - you can record your delivery details and first moments with your baby and the nurses can put your baby's hand and foot prints on the appropriate page while they are inked for the hospital records. YES, BUT MAKE SURE IT'S FAR FROM THE "DROP ZONE".
-Cord Blood Collection kit (if you decided to collect your baby's cord blood)
-Makeup, lipstick, scented shower gel or body powder to make you feel better after labor...MUCH AFTER LABOR, LIKE THE NEXT DAY.
-Eyeglasses or contact lenses (keep in mind that you can wear your eyeglasses during labor, but you must take out your contacts). I HAVE NEVER BEEN ASKED TO TAKE OUT MY CONTACTS. DUDE, I WANT TO SEE MY BABY WHEN IT'S BORN!
-Watch. THAT'S WHAT A CLOCK IS FOR.
-Address book. THAT'S WHAT A CELLPHONE IS FOR.
-A few small gifts or one for all of the nurses that helped care for you. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? BRING SOMETHING BACK TO THE HOSPITAL LATER. IT'LL MEAN MORE.
-A small gift for the other children at home from the baby. OH, OKAY. I'LL AGREE WITH THIS ONE.
Insurance information, Hospital preregistration information, Don't forget to bring your cord blood banking kit; Change of clothes and toiletries, if they're allowed to stay in the room; optional -- Things to be used during labor: soothing music, something to be used as a focal point, tennis ball, rolling pin or lotion for massage, watch, paper/pen, snacks; Book or magazine for reading; List of people and phone numbers to call; Camera/film (make sure it's preloaded and in good working condition before you go); Camcorder and/or cassette recorder with tapes.
MY ACTUAL LIST FOR JAY: CELLPHONE, CAMERA, REMOTE CONTROL FOR THE TV, AND LIST OF THINGS HE SHOULD SAY TO ME WHEN I HIT TRANSITION AND NEED ENCOURAGEMENT.
Wow. I am pathetic, aren't I? :)