I've been feeling pretty guilty, guilty about our decision to take the parenthood path one more time. If only we hadn't decided on one more babe, we wouldn't be in this situation. I, or we, brought this situation upon ourselves. I know that. And I'm sure there are others who are saying that, too.
I know God and my faith asks us to welcome children into our family with open arms. But I was wondering, with the difficulty we are having, if it was less God's will and more my own wish for a large boisterous family that I was listening to. I wondered if it was God's will, why He is making the path so hard. Is God making this pregnancy fragile to make us appreciate this baby more, or to say, "You should have listened to me!" With weeks of bedrest, I've had lots of time to think.
Those thoughts were racing through my head on my way home from a doctor's appointment Wednesday, while listening to KJIL Christian radio. And then I gasped as heard the topic of the day:
"In Praise of Large Families" (The related article is here: The Case for Kids: A defense of the large family by a six-time 'breeder'")
No joking. The featured speaker was a woman who is a mother of five and used to work at university. She told of her boss saying snidely, when she announced her fifth pregnancy, "What is this? Nine or ten?" She also told of the many people who asked her, "You know what causes this, right?" Let's just say I can relate.
But I can also relate to her explanation as to why she chose to have a large family. To paraphrase her, she envisioned her family, gathered around the dining room table, holding hands in prayer, and it's a large circle. That large circle, that circle of love, is what I crave, what I love. In a large family, there is conflicting personalities sometimes, less resources sometimes, but there is more love, more people to support you, more of so very much that you don't miss what you have less of.
My immediate family wasn't very large -- I have two siblings -- but my parents both came from large families and I have always loved those family gatherings, the family network. I want that for my kids and grandkids.
So, back to my doubts. I laughed, thinking God must be trying to tell me something, and I felt like I was enveloped in His trusting hug. And it was only further reinforced when the next segment on the radio began. I can't remember what program it was, but the message tells of a little kid on an airplane throwing a fit because he can't be a pilot. The radio host then compared that to our relationship with God. We can throw a fit about our situation all we want, but God is still the pilot because He is the one who really knows how to navigate us the correct way.
And so, I'm going to try my best to stop throwing a tantrum like a five-year-old and let God pilot us, even if He is leading us through some serious turbulence right now.